Hope Springs
Recently I saw Hope Springs starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Kay and Arnold are a Nebraskan couple married 31 years who have drifted apart and now suffer with a marriage that is routine and emotionally painful! They share no physical affection and any underlying love is all but unrecognizable. Their mutual avoidance is driven by fear! Many of us have had similar moments in our lives.
Anyone who has ever been in an intimate relationship knows there is little in life that is more complex or challenging. While such relationships often begin with strong chemistry, eventually most take us on a journey through all our emotions. Our ways of relating were learned through the guidance and example of the people who raised us. As adults, learned defensive patterns often cast a shadow over the original ecstasy of our love connection. Unless some objective guidance is obtained, this can go on for years. Then, the only thing that promotes any change is intolerable pain and suffering. At this point saving the relationship often depends on the couple having a strong support network – loving friends, family and professional guidance.
Fortunately for Kay and Arnold, they genuinely love each other and in spite of the pain and fear they struggle with, they both want their relationship to work. Their efforts are guided by a skillful therapist and hope returns to their marriage. To its credit the movie does not pretend marital problems of such magnitude, years in the making, are magically resolved in a week.
Some relationships last until life itself is over while others end poorly, destroyed by such defensive maneuvers and cold, toxic rejection. Of course you are co-writer, co-director and co-star in your love relationship, so you have much to say about the script!
When both people in a relationship are willing to look at themselves and own their part in the problems they share, the door to potential success opens. In this way, both reach across the abyss and demonstrate to one another that they are not alone. From here it is possible for them to face their problems together!
We are left with a sense of hope for Kay and Arnold’s marriage. What do you want for your relationship?
Communicate Better with the Ones You Love
We all experience times when someone we love says or does something that hurts us to one degree or another. In the wake of these painful moments we may regret how we handled ourselves. Unfortunately in such circumstances, the instinctive human reaction to the pain is fight or flight. So when we don’t feel safe we tend to become defensive.
Once defensiveness takes over it can feel impossible to stop our anger, blame and resentment long enough to ask ourselves what part of the experience– we are responsible for. Learning to overcome this instinctive mandate is not easy. If it were, most of us would have already done so since it is impossible to be defensive and feel good at the same time.
Like Pavlov’s dogs, salivating when the food bell rings, our defensive reaction to real or perceived threats can happen automatically even in the absence of any intentional attack. This scenario plays out between people all the time. After too many of these experiences neither of you feels safe.
Once you start tiptoeing around each other to avoid being hurt again, this chronic guardedness places a wall between the two of you. Then the open-hearted, open-minded, intimate feeling we all want – the one you thought you had found – is gone. Feeling understood, appreciated and respected is what you want – right?
If the disappointing pattern of never feeling satisfied about how you are treated in your relationships is ever going to change, the place to begin is with a genuine willingness to look at yourself with scrupulous honesty. And since we see ourselves through a subjective lens the source of objective information must come from someone we have a relationship with. The willingness to do this is essential if we really want to learn how to become more interpersonally mature.
Therefore the essential practice which leads to better communication is being more responsible for our part in taking good and responsible care of each moment we are in together. This is accomplished by observing our own experiences while we are having them. It’s like an imaginary you has floated up above the scene you are in, directing you to remain calm. In moments when things tense up, your personal observer reminds you not to over-react and to be careful not to slip into a defended or judgmental posture. To reiterate – achieving better communication requires us to identify and own our tendencies for unhealthy behavior first and to remain consistently responsible about it.
If you are experiencing communication problems in any of your important relationships, please know that in-between every negative stimulus and any kind of negative/defensive reaction to it, is your opportunity to respond maturely. Used in this way these painful moments can be life-changing!
So the next time you see yourself tensing up, ready to over-react defensively – in that precise moment – “STOP!” Take a moment or three. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Remind yourself to “RELAX!” You can return to the issue that started the defensive reaction once you’re more relaxed. Relaxing is more important!
It will help to de-intensify the moment and with your hurt feelings on hold, ask yourself two important questions. First: What are you responsible for in the unfortunate moment you were both just in? And equally important: Is it possible that what you heard could have been meant in any other way than the way you interpreted it? The answer to that key question is always a yes, so don’t ass/u/me. Ask!
Practicing this will provide a greater sense of personal power and freedom! Gratitude for what others bring into our lives is essential to a sense of well-being and as I have said before “To Love Is To Give!” Better communication is just a few good choices away.
Image from Flikr under Creative Commons license.
The Mental Health Perspective: What Rush Limbaugh’s Words Say About Him
This week the news has been full of the furor ignited by radio show host Rush Limbaugh’s characterization of a young woman – a Georgetown University law student – who publicly spoke in support of the Obama administration’s policy on insurance coverage of birth control. While this issue is a hot button in social and political discourse, my concern is what Limbaugh’s language means from the mental health perspective.
He characterized the young woman, Sandra Fluke, as, “a slut and prostitute,” equating her interest in birth control being covered by insurance as, “wanting to be paid to have sex.” He went even further, stating that if she’s to be “paid for sex, then she should reciprocate by posting videos of her sexual encounters online for all to see.”
This over-the-top and un-factual condemnation brought disgust from many quarters on both sides of the political fence and cost Limbaugh’s show six or more advertisers, prompting an apology that excused his behavior as an inappropriate attempt at ‘humor’.
Here’s my take:
Behavior such as Limbaugh’s is symbolic of profound immaturity and personal insecurity; a massive cover-up of a fear-based character. Whether in childhood, or in chronological adulthood, this behavior is the stuff of bullies and sexists.
In my opinion and that of the mainstream mental health community, it is NEVER ok to be personally disrespectful to others. It is abusive and a sign of psychological dysfunction – whether it happens behind closed doors or on the public/paid airwaves.
As a society, it is far more important than politics and social causes that we recognize this type of behavior for what it is: Emotionally unhealthy at its core.
When Valentine’s Day Is Over
Festivities over – mating ritual done,
Dopamine stops flowing,
And so too the fun.
Time passing in the blink of an eye.
A hiccup, a burp,
A laugh – a sigh.
Yes Valentine’s is over, the dancing done,
Still in each other’s eyes,
That’s how it’s done.
Again and again
In sadness and pain,
Being worthy, you remain.
For the greatest gifts of love don’t cost a dime,
Compassion, respect, kindness, your time!
Respectfully listening,
Beyond anxiety and fear,
Showing each other: See, I’m here!
Willing to learn, to work, to grow,
Trusting and giving is love, you know.
Building forever, ne’er a thing of the past,
Not when your heart wants your love to last.
So when Valentine’s is over and tomorrow’s come,
It’s time to remember
There’s more love to be done!
What Do You Want Today?
Friday I got the bug numerous people I know have come down with; scratchy throat, stuffy head, sneezing, achy body. I want it to go away – immediately! Of course that’s impossible. I also want to be physically close to the woman I love, but that would risk getting her sick. So, what to do? Every moment we are choosing what we want! We do that by what we think about. Of course we don’t get to control everything; the weather, the economy, what others think, say or do. But we are constantly making choices and only we can be responsible for that.
Ask yourself what you want right now? Want to feel more appreciated by your mate? Want your children to listen to you. Of course, but that is about what you want to receive. The truth is we get from giving to the things that are important. (more…)
Happy New Year 2012!
Millions will be celebrating New Year’s Eve tonight. Celebrations offer an escape from the challenges, demands, stress and problems of ordinary life. That’s a good thing. We all benefit from some down time to decompress, relax, laugh, play and be carefree. And we hope for abundance in the future.
Want to feel genuinely wealthy as the New Year approaches? You can! And unlike other gifts, there is no waiting. You don’t need money. Just treat those in your life – starting with yourself – with respectful, kind, gentle, sensitive and compassionate communication/behavior and you’ll enjoy the gift of personal power – genuine inner wealth. (more…)
Wounded Parent – Wounded Child
Watching the film “Love & Other Drugs” this Sunday morning, a pharmaceutical salesman, Jamie, begins a “tempestuous romance with a free-spirited Parkinson’s patient.” Unexpectedly, he falls desperately in love with Maggie Murdock who is afraid to let herself love (“Who wants to be in a relationship with a sick girl?” she thinks.) and therefore holds him at arms length. (more…)
Learn To Love The Person In The Mirror
What do you see when you look in the mirror? I have asked many people this question. “Why, is there something wrong with how I look?” Others, also perceiving criticism say things like, “I Know! – I was running late and I forgot to ___.”
Please take a moment and consider the question yourself. If you are, for example, 35 years old, beyond the age of, lets say two, you’ve looked into a mirror thousands upon thousands of times. Therefore, like most people, you might say you know pretty much everything there is to know about what there is for you to see when you look at your face in the mirror – right?
The Path to Personal Change
Change is inevitable. Nothing and no one remains the same. Clinging to ‘what is’ stifles growth. The only important questions to consider about personal change are, “In what way,” and “In which direction.”
Every day in my office I work with people who are, to one degree or another, struggling with issues in their lives that require personal change to make their lives better. Some are stuck clinging to painful longings for what never was. Others are lost in fear about what never will be. Only they are not showing up for the present and the opportunities it offers.
Really Listening To Each Other
Lewis Nash playing with George Cables and Peter Washington at Kitano.
Last night Ellie and I traveled to Manhattan to hear some great jazz. We anticipated the pleasure of listening to exciting music because the trio performing included George Cables – master pianist, composer and musical storyteller with fellow musicians Peter Washington, the amazing stand up bass player and Lewis Nash, drummer extraordinaire. Together they exemplified what it means to communicate!
Those of you who are experienced musicians know (for those who aren’t, I now mention) that any beautiful music requires really listening. When musicians play together, focused listening to each other is essential. Without it, the musical conversation breaks down immediately! Yet some do it at a much higher level than others. (more…)